Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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