you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize