Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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