god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
