he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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