Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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