So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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