just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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