i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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