so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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