Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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