I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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