I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
