How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
