I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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