1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
