Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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