So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
