Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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