so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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