Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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