why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
