Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
