i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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