He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
