I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
