Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
