is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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