You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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