...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
