Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
