then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
