i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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