Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
We have started to decorate penises.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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