that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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