Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
