if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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