She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
