Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
