It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize