if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
