I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
