Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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