DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
