I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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