I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
