My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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