Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
