just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
