So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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