Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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