so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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