Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
