Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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