By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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