i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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