Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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