She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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